Mahabharata for Gen-Z
… kyunki inko include na karo toh ye cancel kar dete hai ;)
So apparently, grandparents or even parents don’t talk about history to kids now. (matlab what are they talking about even? Ganji chudail, eh?)
Anyhoo, my bedtime stories included the Mahabharata, Geeta, Ramayan and the likes as stories toh mujhe lagta tha sabka childhood same tha. Man was I wrong, so now I am taking it upon myself to write everything I know about the war but in a language that is easily understandable and relatable to people around my age or younger. (Toh faltu offend mat hona agar kuch silly likha hoga, its just a way to remember things for me and bring some pazazz to it. Now don’t go running to Google to check what pazazz is, it just means spice. Okay? Okay.)
Ab chalo jaldi imagine that you are in the Dwapar Yuga and imagine my voice as me or frankly anyone you think sounds nice. And let’s skedaddle.
Chapter 1:
THE SHROT
During the Dwapar Yuga, Hastinapur a region in Northern India was ruled by King Shantanu and that is where we will begin today.
In Hastinapur — with King Shantanu and his little love walk.
Subah Subah on a thandi morning with the wind flowing through Shantanu’s hair in full drip — white dhoti, a clean white angrakha kurta and his leather warrior coat in all his tall and sharp glory Shantanu was strolling around the river bank (like one does to complete their 10K steps, obviously) admiring the lilies blooming all around him when he saw a woman emerging from the river in a white saree, her long obsidian hair dripping with water, doe-like eyes looking at the calm crocodile resting on the river bank, her skin radiating warmth aur fir kya tha ekdum love at first sight hogaya aadmi ko, and as one does in these situations he swiped right on bumble to talk to her. Sorry sorry! Tab toh bumble nahi tha na, so he walked right into her space looked her in the eyes, and said “Marry Me”. Matlab biggg extrovert energy. Aur since ye Klaus and Carolyn ke story nahi the, it went a little different. Surprising or not so surprisingly she loved him at first sight too, but the kind yet powerful-looking man dressed like a warrior on vacation was waiting for an answer patiently. She immediately agreed (ik what you’re thinking) but she had three conditions.
“First, never ask me where I came from or about my family.
Second, never question me or my judgement
And third, if you break any of the first two conditions I will leave you forever”
Shantyanu quickly agrees and they get married. Insane but true, sachha pyar and all that, right?
Turns out they do really well in their marriage and actually enjoy each other’s company even if they jumped on this bandwagon wayyy too quickly. And the next thing we know they were already expecting a baby!!
After the birth of his baby, Shantanu was over the moon about being a father as one usually is with fatherhood. But that happiness wasn’t far lived. He saw his wife stepping into the river with the newborn fully submerging herself and then coming out — sans the baby boy. His next move should have been to go after them or at least ask her what she was doing, which he didn’t and thats crazy but yaad hai her three conditions? he recalled his vow to never question her actions so he shut up and moved on, And this happened six other times.
But after the birth of his 8th child who his wife was about to submerge in the river, he had enough, he decided that he couldn’t take it anymore and confronted her about it, angry that she killed all their children and could not take it anymore and wanted answers. (bad move I tell you. A really bad move)
His wife had vowed that if Shantanu ever questioned her, she would leave. And she did, but not before giving him the answers he deserved.
Turns out his wife was the River Goddess Ganga personified, and yes you guessed it right, the river they first met at was the river Ganga and the river she submerged her children in, you guessed it again, also Ganga. She emerged from it and submerged her newborn children in it too, full circle moment hogaya idhar.
Their 8 children were the ‘eight vasus of heaven’.
The Vasus are celestial beings, to be more precise they are Dyaus — the sky, Prithvi that’s earth (I am sure we already know that), Vayu that’s wind, Agni who is fire, Nakshatra being all the stars, Varuna being water, Surya The sun (not the soldier) and, Chandra the moon.
Here is where we have a little Storytime (inside a story):
So, once the eight Vasus went on a little trip to Rishi Vashistha’s ashram on one of their wife’s birthday (uss time clubs nahi hote the na) and spotted Rishi Vashistha’s divine cow named Kamadhenu Nandini. Dyaus’s wife was mesmerised by Kamadhenu immediately and wanted to take her home so Dyaus did the best thing he could and convinced his brothers to steal the cow (as one does). I mean I get it, I’ve seen the Cowrollas on Instagram, they are D-I-V-I-N-E and if my siblings asked me to steal a pup? who am I to question them other than asking “When”? Kleptomania is a real thing, people! and of course, you can’t get away with stealing, so when The Rishi got to know, he was furious in capital letters. And Rishi being a ‘rishi’ cursed them all. And not like us “touch pranis” he in the literal sense cursed them all to be born as humans on Earth, but since the plan was that of Dyaus — he was cursed with a suuuuuper looooong life on Earth, not the fun kind either, and the rest of them would only have to be born and immediately be brought back to heaven. So basically, the seven vasus would die within a few hours of their birth i.e no suffering, just a little taste of human life. Dyaus on the other hand would have to repent for his misdoings, his karma and live on earth with all the sufferings of a long life but he could also achieve great success and glory while he was at it, right?
Coming back to Ganga, she was the one assigned to give birth to all the Vasus on Earth, and that is what she did. Send the seven Vasus back to Heaven via the divine river Ganga that served as a bridge from Heaven to Earth right after giving birth to them. But when she tried to relieve the eighth son Dyaus also known as Prabhasa of his curse, King Shantanu intervened and the curse took its due course.
So, she told Shantanu that she would train their baby to be a worthy son and ruler then bring him back to him once he was ready but she could not live with him anymore.
He was heartbroken, but couldn’t do anything about this. And that is where he knew he messed up. He was forlorn for years waiting for his wife and son to return, cursing at himself for what he had done. He waited and waited and waited even more until one day while he was longingly sitting at the river bank like he did quite often, he saw a young and happy doe-eyed kid playing around, feeling a strange connection to him Shantanu walked towards the kid — suddenly when Ganga appeared behind the kid she told Shantanu that the kid was their son and it was time for him to live with his father as Parshurama trained him in combat, and Rishi Vashisht in the scriptures and Vedas. Their child was ready, so she dropped him off and disappeared never to be seen again. The child was named Devabrata, the one who is devoted to Gods.
Shantanu got all emo and was full of joy, he took his son back to his palace in Hastinapur, and soon Devabrata was introduced to the kingdom and people simply adored him for his kindness, his courage and his knowledge.
Shortly after Devabrata turned eighteen, King Shalya — from a neighbouring kingdom waged war on Hastinapur. Devabrata fought the whole army alone valiantly to defeat King Shalya. Shantanu was awestruck and impressed when he heard of his sons’ courage and determination and declared him the heir to Hastinapur.
But even after having his son back, he could still feel a void in himself. A quiet loneliness that was brought about by Ganga’s absence. Shantanu missed his wife dearly and wished for her return every single day.
One day, while longingly strolling on the banks of the river Ganga he smelled a mesmerising fragrance. He looked around running towards the fragrance and saw a lady, approaching her he realized he did not think of Ganga anymore and it was as if the void was being filled just by this lady’s fragrance. He asked her who she was, and if she had fallen from the heavens (here we go again). She responded by saying that she was Satyavati, daughter of Dasharaja the king of fishermen. Then he did the thing he is best known for, you wanna guess? He asked her to marry him. (Idhar bhai ka trauma khatam nahi horaha, aur ye chale fir ganga te tat par). Anyway, this time around she did not have three conditions, but she did not agree to his proposal either (I mean, that is a sane decision in my opinion with him being a stranger and all).
She told him that if he wanted to marry her, she wouldn’t have any issues if her father agreed to it. So, basically ab Shantanu ko Satyavati ke papa se permission lene hoge. Shantanu thought, ye toh bhai easy hoga, kaunsa papa apne beti ko Raja se shaadi nahi karne dega? Ekdum confidence ke sath he went to Dasharaja and asked him for her hand. Drumrolls, please! He blatantly said that he was honoured but could not accept since Shantanu already had an heir and Satyavatis’s child with him would never get a chance and would always be overshadowed by Devabrata and have no place in the palace. So, only if he agreed to make their first son the king will he allow for their marriage. King Shantanu was disheartened but could not do that to his son, nor did Devabrata deserve it, saddened with Dasharaja’s condition he returned to Hastinapur and with it the void increased as the days proceeded making him lonely once again. (Siri, Play Lonely by Akon)
Devabrata being the perfect son noticed his father’s sadness and asked him directly what was troubling him, he made up a story and brushed it off. But Devabrata was relentless and kaise bhi kareke ussne pata lagaya ke ye ladki ka chakkar hai boss aur chal pada Dasharaja ke rajya mein apne liye naye ma lane. He asked Dasharaja why he had denied his father’s proposal — ab inko kya pata ye apne he kursi khone ja raha the.
After he got to know the reason for his hesitance to marry his daughter to Shantanu. He thought it was the silliest excuse and happily agreed to give away his crown and said he would make sure that Shantanu and Satyavati’s future son would be the next king of Hastinapur. Aj toh itna sacrifice koi nahi karta yaar, idhar toh koi apna popcorn bhi nah de kiseko.
Anyhoo, Dasharaja is in a dilemma, ab Devabrata toh apna crown renounce kar dega par what if his children decide that they want to rule and then there is a chaotic battle between the children for the throne? Itne future planning ke bhaisahab ne kya he bole ab. Isska toh ek he solution hai — na hoge biwi na honge bacche. Par biwi na hone se bache nahi honge esa toh nahi haina, so after contemplating Devabrata announces that he would never marry and be celibate all his life to ensure that the crown goes to Satyavatis’ children and her lineage only to avoid any and all fights in the clan. (Can I just stop and say LOL here, cause bhai ne ek vow leke brahmand ka sabse bada war karvadiya)
Hearing this khatarnakh vow, the gods shower flowers on him (now that’s a view) and chanted “Bhishma” “Bhishma”. Ab bhisama ka matlab soch rahe hoge? Main he batati hoon. Bhishm means fierce or extreme. And cause he took a bhishma vow he was then named Bishma. I am sure you must have recognised that name by this point and related it to a tall old man with long white curly bead and hair.
Dasharaja was pleased by this vow and happily gave his daughter away for marriage, Devabrata took Satyavati back for Hastinapur and arranged a grand wedding ceremony for his father, Shantanu was overjoyed at the moment but after he got to know about his son’s vow he was heartbroken. Devabrata, now Bhishma ensured to his father that his happiness was his biggest wish and did not have any qualms about what he decided to do. Overwhelmed with his son’s love for him, Shantanu gave him a boon, an ashirvad that nothing and no one could kill Bhishma, only Bhishma could decide when he died.
And that is where it really started to go down. (not like abhi tak sahi chal raha tha par fir bhi age age dekho hota hai kya)
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And on that note, this was the first chapter of a longg series. Would love to hear from you if you reach till here.
Thanks for reading, byeee!
